Refusing to Disappear
by theforgotten09
Summary: Xion's consciousness takes over the body of a 15 year old drug addict. As she struggles against the person's memories she looks for Roxas and anyone else she has memories of. Sorry the summary sucks - -'
1. It's not over

Xion is one of my favorite characters of KH and consequentially she gets alot of flack. I'm just writing this how I view her, you all can either enjoy or stop reading. I don't own Kingdom Hearts or anything associated with it. FYI: Xion goes through a "reincarnation"/incarnation of sorts...well, you'll just have to read on...

* * *

**DAY ONE**:

'I'm alive', that was the first thing she said. 'I'm really alive!' She went to sit up, but found that she couldn't complete the action. Why? She looked around but couldn't see anything. She waved about with her arms but couldn't feel anything around her. What had happened? Where was she? Her last memory was of her falling asleep in Roxas' arms, or rather...wasn't she dying? Didn't she die? She was absorbed by Sora...didn't that count as death? No one would know her, no one would remember her...ever again. She guessed this was something worse than death because she was never real and no one would have memories of her to cherish.

She cried about it for a while, and then ran out of tears. She loved Roxas and Axel and neither of them would remember her. She'd never see them again. She was very sad about the fact of the matter. She wanted to live on, somehow, someway. Even if it was for a short time. She wished with all her heart that she could. Somehow, she wanted to live on. But how.

**DAY FOUR:**

The darkness disappeared. There was a warm glow of pink light. Now it was blue. Now it's white. What's going on? 'Kingdom...Hearts?' she thought to herself. She examined the hearts as they floated around her. She could see faces of people who owned the hearts in them. In those hearts were memories and feelings that she supposedly didn't have. 'Could I....?' she thought again as she reached out towards one that suddenly appeared. The face in it was that of a girl of about fifteen or so. She didn't resemble the former self Xion knew herself to be, but maybe...

She reached out and grabbed the heart.

She felt like she was being dragged in a vortex into a giant hole. It was like the heart was pulling her somewhere. Pulling her, guiding her to where she needed to go. She found herself in an alleyway hovering over the body of what seemed to be a dead figure. Without a moment's notice the heart dragged her into the body's chest cavity.

**Moments later...**

She woke up.**  
**


	2. A New Body

I don't own Kingdom Hearts or anything associated with it. Sorry this chapter is so short. I'll be writing more to add onto it.

* * *

All I could feel was this massive headache and the cold slimy ground beneath my body. I felt cold drops of rain pelting me from all sides. 'What just happened?' I had no clue. One moment I was hovering, the next...I was here. Wait...a body!? I have one? It was dark and I couldn't see much of anything. I tried to ignore my headache as I struggled to stand up. It was as if my body moved for me, which I was grateful for. My legs moved sluggishly down the dark alley way to a rather beat up metal door. My hands led me to turn the nob and let myself into a drafty dark room. I searched for a light switch and turned it on.

A dim yellow light flooded the room. It was somewhat empty, save for some bottles laying about and a bed in the corner. It was different from my room at Castle Oblivion, not as bright, or as...inviting. I shut the door behind me and my body knew which way the bathroom was. I stumbled in and turned on the light.

"What?!" I shouted. The moment I saw my reflection in the mirror I knew something had happened. What had happened, I wasn't even sure. But the figure looking back in the mirror wasn't me.

...

"Okay Xion, calm down", I tried to say, but the words came out slurred and unrecognizable. I looked in the mirror again, I looked a lot different then I did back then. I had a different body, different clothes, different hair, different eyes...it was all different. My figure had brown skin, mine was almost colorless. My figure had brown hair, mine was black. My figure was tall, I remembered being shorter than everyone else around me. My figure had these weird brown eyes...I'm most certain my eyes were almost...what was that color again? Purple? And what was I wearing? I couldn't understand how my "clothes" were staying on me. I was wearing the small shirt that was too wide at the neck and my bra was highly visible. I suppose I was wearing a denim skirt, it was probably a cut-off and was extremely short and worn.

"Who is this person?" I heard myself say. My voice sounded the same strangely enough. But it didn't match up with my reflection. I collapsed on the toilet and looked down at the floor. I had no clue what had happened to me. I remember that I didn't want to disappear. I wanted to be with Roxas and Axel and eat sea-salt ice cream together in Twilight Town like we used to. My head began to hurt with my thoughts racing so fast. I grabbed my head in my hands to try and stop the pain. Then everything went dark again.

...

I woke up to hear banging on the dooroutside. My body was stiff from laying on the cold bathroom floor, but I managed to pick myself up and make my way to the outer door. I opened it up to reveal a tall man wearing a wife-beater and faded camo pants.

"What do you want?" I asked. He said nothing, he only handed me a plastic bag with a syringe and a small vile of blue liquid.

"It's called _The Deep_, amphetemine at its highest. Don't shoot too much, it'll kill you. That stuff's hard to find and you paid good money for it." He says nothing else and walks away. I'm left standing there with a substance I've never heard of. It must be illegal---he was so secretive about it. Why do I have it? I didn't pay for it. But then I remember: this isn't my body. This isn't me. Whoever this person is...

I shower and dress myself as best I can. Apparently this girl doesn't have much a wardrobe. By much I mean surface area coverage. I find some money under the mattress and a spare key under the mat and I go out to explore the town. This is Hollow Bastion or Radient Gardens. I think I may have heard of this place once before, I'm not sure. I remember looking on the database computer at the Castle, but I don't remember finding anything like this. I see people looking at me strange. I must really be out of place here. Then I look down at how much skin is exposed. even with my jacket and pants I found, it still didn't cover much. I could feel my underwear peaking out the back no matter how high I pulled them up.

I went into the store and bought some scant groceries, soap, and shampoo. I at least needed to be clean. The laundry detergent was on sale, that was a plus. I hurried back home and found someone waiting for me. He looked like Axel, only he wasn't. He had his hair pulled back and he wore goggles on his forehead. He didn't have those black teardrops, but he had red curves on the sides of his eyes. He smiled at me.

"Yo Ivy", he called with a smile. Ivy? That must be my name.

"Hey Reno", I say before I can stop myself. I don't know where that name came from. But it must have been right because his smile grew even wider. He sounded like Axel too. That was odd. I unlock the door and let us in.

"It's strange, you usually leave the key out for me to come in." He said as he walked around the apartment.

"I know", I lie, "I misplaced the key somewhere in here, so I took the spare." I set the gorceries on the counter and start picking up around the apartment. Reno looked puzzled.

"You got something special going on?" he asks, "You usually leave stuff laying around. You okay?" I just shrug and continue filling up the trash bag. It doesn't take long. Reno just watches in utter facination as the carpet becomes visible.

"Why're you here? Don't you have something to do?" I ask. Reno laughs.

"I come here all the time and it never worried you. We're business partners don't you know? Sheesh, you can be so weird sometimes. You should probably lay off the deep blue stuff." Reno paused and noticed the small bag on the counter. I look at it too. And deep inside feel this kind of craving, this desire for that stuff in the bottle. I ignore it and continue cleaning. Within half an hour I've got clothes in the wash and I'm scrubbing the bathroom spotless. The apartment isn't really too shabby, but it hadn't been clean in a while. Just what kind of person lived here? Who was this person before I took over?

...

It's evening by the time I've finished everything. The room smells fresh and new and the fading sunlight made it glow. Reno's asleep on the couch and I guess I'll leave him there. I start making ramen for dinner. I remember my quest and why I'm here. Whoever this person is, I should probably find out more about her.

Who is Ivy?


	3. The Real Me

Same song second verse: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, but I do own Ivy however.

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I went to sleep that night on an old mattress. It wasn't like my bed when I was in the Organization, but it's where I could lay my head to rest. I didn't know where I was or how exactly I cam here. I have a body that's not mine, a home that's not mine, and a guy sleeping on the couch that I don't know. Well, Xion doesn't know, Ivy does.

"Who are you?" I hear a voice say.

"What?" I ask out loud. I sit up and look around. There isn't anyone else in the room. I hear Reno's soft snoring, but not much else. I close my eyes again.

"What're you doing here?" I hear that voice again. But this time, I keep my eyes closed. I see Ivy in my head. "Who're you ?" she asks. She's got a bit of an accent in her voice. Why hadn't I heard it? Was it simply because I'm in her body?

"I'm Xion", I say, "You're Ivy, right?"

"You've found out already?" she huffs. She reminds me a bit of Larxene, only not as violent or overbearing. Ivy crosses her arms. "I've never seen anyone like you, what are you doing in my head?"

"Your head...?" I almost miss the connection...this isn't my body. "I'm sorry", I apologize stupidly, "I wasn't trying to steal your body---"

"It's okay," Ivy shrugs, "You'll probably do a better job taking care of me than I could anyways."

"What do you mean?" I'm, confused.

"You don't know?" Ivy states flatly. I shake my head.

...

"That Deep Blue stuff you put on the table is a drug. It makes you feel ten times more amazing than anything else in the world, but it's a serious habit forming stuff that'll have you hooked in nothing flat. I'm an addict, and I've been since I was fourteen. I'm fifteen now." That explains why I wanted to have the drug in me. I don't know what it feels like, but my curiosity didn't get the better of me in this case.

"What were you doing in the alley?" I ask.

"What?" Ivy cocked an eyebrow.

"When I...took over you, I saw you laying the alley facedown. I think you were dead." Ivy closes her eyes and tries to remember.

"I was drunk, and I was high off the deep", she murmurs, "I was at a party and the stuff was flowing, everyone had some. So I took what I could and drank on top of that. When I came home, I slipped and fell..." So she was unconscious, or was she really going to die? If I saw her heart, that must've meant she had an overdose and had really died. When I told her that she sighed in relief. I'm guessing I saved her. I could tell she didn't appreciate someone else taking over her life, but at the same time, could she have done the job on her own?

...

I woke up the next day after a whole night of conversing with Ivy. She seemed like such a nice person, even though she got herself into a bad way. But maybe I could help her turn things around. _But what about Roxa and Axel?_ I didn't know. Things were more comlicated than I had though previous. This is a real person with a real life. Not just a vessle for my convenience. Were Roxas and Axel thinking about me? Or would they even remember me? I was never a Nobody because I was never a real person. Wasn't that the case? So would they remember me?

I think not.

I wanted to know how I was living here. I didn't have a job, so there was no way I could possibly stay here for free. Where was my money coming from? When I asked Reno he laughed at me.

"You've got to be shitting me Ivy!" he smirked, "What do you mean you don't know where your money is coming from?" Okay, maybe asking right out wasn't the best methood. I couldn't very well tell him I'm an entity that took over Ivy's consciousness.

"I guess the deep blue stuff was alot stronger than I thought?" I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant about it.

"You're living in a brothel! Don't you remember anything? You're a fucking slut!" Reno yelled at me, "You have sex for money!"

Brothel.

Sex.

Money.

I didn't know about those sort of things. I've never heard of sex before. No one ever told me. But compaired to where I lived versus where I live now, and who I am now...there's a big difference. I don't think i want to know what sex is. I know what the deep blue is, I know what money is. I don't know what a brothel is, I don't know what sex is. And I don't think I can ask Reno what it's about. I do it for money apparently. And my job title is "Slut".

* * *

FYI: the original Ivy (the one "inside Xion's head") has an accent similar to Fran from Final Fantasy 12.

WARNING: Next chapter will contain a lemon.


	4. Relearning

I stood there stunned for a moment. I just realized that I didn't know anything about my profession. This couldn't be good. I don't know what sex is, I've never had it before. My naivete was causing major problems. How in the world can I survive this world if I don't know anything? Before Reno notices my less than dim reaction I say, "Can you give me a refresher?" And I try to sound funny. Maybe he'd be nice about it. All the while, I have this overwhelming feeling that this is going to end very badly.

Reno laughs, "That's what I like about you Ivy, you slay me." He comes towards me, putting his hands on my waist and licking my lip. It feels so weird. My skin felt alive and tingling wherever he touched me. He wasn't being gentle either. It all felt so wrong somehow. He tasted terrible, like cigarettes and alcohol. He was biting my lips and skin, taking off my clothing with each sweep of his hands. And I couldn't resist.

_Was this what Ivy went through?_ I couldn't help but wonder as he got on top of me, unzipping his jeans and pulling out his penis.

I was on my back, legs splayed to him, exposing everything I had always kept hidden. Though at this moment, I was in a body that was familiar to him. He had probably seen Ivy like this a million times, maybe more. I felt him enter me with eagerness, I felt him fill me with himself. His hotness seared through me and I felt all my senses on edge. What were these sensations I was feeling? Why was my heart racing? Why did I feel so much pleasure when I knew that what was happening to me was wrong and disgusting? Were all men like this? Breathing hard down her neck, licking her skin, drawing a bit of blood every now and then? For some reason she had a feeling that if she wasn't in this body, she'd be hurting **a lot**more than she was now.

He had his hands on her hips, he was crashing into her roughly and without regard. He flipped her over on top of him and made her ride him hard. Xion/Ivy was panting in pleasure. He breasts were bouncing in rhythm to her body. He watched as she climaxed several times, which was unusual for her. It was like it was her first time having sex. He smiled in amusement. He knew some people who would gladly take on a girl like this and pay handsomely for it.

After the fourth or fifth wave I felt myself slowing down in fatigue. I tiredly fell on Reno's chest and nearly passed out.

…

SHe woke up with Reno on top of me. She almost didn't know where she was. She was sweaty. She was hot. She felt somewhat sick. This was what Ivy went through, and she had no way out of it. Xion thought and thought things through. Absentmindedly she felt herself stroking Reno's red hair, he reminded her so much of Axel. She thought about how she had felt about an hour earlier…was this something she had wanted to do with him? If he and her were together, would they have done this?

Reno stirred and lifted himself off of her, looking her straight in the eye. She froze, her hand midstroke in his hair. He didn't do anything, didn't say anything. He gently pulled her hand away from his hair and kissed it gently.

"You know we can't be like this Ivy. We've talked about this before." Reno explained with the saddest expression in his eyes.

"I know," Xion replied softly, "I know." She watched as Reno got dressed and was about to leave when he turned to her.

"Your shift starts at 8 tonight. Be ready by then." He stated and walked out the door. Xion closed her eyes and found Ivy in her mind.

…

"You love him, don't you?" I asked her. Ivy nodded with tears in her eyes.

"I love him so much! More than anything!" Ivy cried in pain and sorrow far greater than anything I had ever seen before. I went to her and hugged her to myself, but knew that things wouldn't be that simple. The black and white in which I had seen the world was turning more and more grey the longer I stayed her; and I was becoming more and more torn between the body I possessed and the soul that inhabited it.

Did my agenda matter anymore? Axel and Roxas? Could I see them again or did this even matter? Where did I fit in all this? What had I done? I thought more about this as I cleaned up the apartment and myself. I didn't want to do this job, but I needed the money. I went and showered and looked for something to wear. Each moment made me feel more and more sick as I realized who I now was and what I was doing. I pulled up this bright yellow thong and a miniskirt over it, now wasn't the time to be modest, I couldn't afford to have any inhibitions.

I put on my bra that snapped in the front and put on this sorry excuse for a shirt and tied it in the front. My cleavage was highly visible. My skin was exposed and I was all too vulnerable. My heart was racing as I put on makeup and perfume. My mind and heart were hurting as the conflicting emotions inside me collided. I fought for composure as I heard the doorbell ring. I fought for silence as I opened the door…


	5. Friends

Cloud wasn't so bad. I guess he just had a confidence problem. He was barely a virgin and spoke nervously. I reassured him everything was alright. I spoke to him tenderly, told him he was doing just fine. I kissed him softly, smiled at him, and he relaxed like putty in my hands. I swiped a few extra dollars from his wallet before he paid me. He was gone in fifteen minutes.

Leon was in a bad mood it seemed. DTF was the acronym he used. And F me he did. Getting screwed by someone you didn't like was bad. Getting screwed by someone you don't like and having to take it in the rear 2 times in a row was hellish at least. He liked hearing me moan and scream and was fond of smacking my tush. He was dirty and disgusting, but paid handsomely. I had to shower and change my outfit after him. I hope the guys like girly lace.

Getting pounded felt horrible. Feeling my body being abused over and over in new ways I hadn't felt before. Feeling my body pushed over forwards, bent over backwards, feeling my orifices invaded and rubbed raw, all I could do was feel. I couldn't think anymore, not that thinking did anything for me. It may have been 3 a.m. when the last customer showed. I had just gotten out of the shower when he walked in. His name was Seifer. He seemed to recognize me from a long time back. Well, it wasn't me, it was Ivy. "Ivy Narvez," he shook his head, "man do I feel sorry for you." I read his expression as borderline sympathetic but he could have been faking. "Seifer Almasy, do I feel sorry for you," his name suddenly came to mind, "Couldn't get any so now you come here." I didn't have the strength to laugh humorlessly. I walked closer in just my underwear, allowing him to look me over. By now I was sick of the jokes.

"What's your business Blondie?" I spat carelessly, "Did you come here for sex or to chat? If you want tea you're getting it yourself."

"Relax girl, I just came here for a blowjob." He flashes me a ten dollar bill. I take it and stuff it in my bra and motion him over to the bed. I pull open his jeans and he's already hard. I've got him in my mouth and I'm working him like a clock. Finding his sensitive spots, making him moan. He offers me five more bucks if I swallow. More money? Why not? So I do. I take the extra bills and stuff them in the jar with my other tips. I don't even bother counting. I'm so sick I throw up in the bathroom until I'm empty. Seifer is still there when I come back. "What's your deal?" I ask. He looks like he was going to say something, but then he leaves. Reno replaces him.

I say nothing but point to the change jar. He gets to work counting. I sigh, not wanting to think. I retreat into my mind and find Ivy. I'm not even my own person anymore. I'm her. I'm living her life. I don't know how I'll get out of this. Right now I want to leave. I want to get away. I'm forgetting what I'm here for. Can I even get back to where I was before? My life before this...was it even worth living? Two friends and being the object of everyone's contempt was how I lived out my existence, here I was an object of desire. I sat there in my head with Ivy wordlessly sitting across from me and thought about how much I wanted to free her and myself. I wanted to find Axel and Roxas, but is this even worth it? Can I even find them again?

Is this the point where I forget about them and start my own life?

* * *

I learned that Seifer was a friend of Ivy's in high school. They flirted a lot but nothing became of it. Most of those guys I met were people she knew back then. But she refused to say anything else about her past. I woke up at about nine in the morning drained but somehow feeling that I couldn't sleep anymore. I heard a knock at my door and opened it to reveal a scantilly clad brunette and redhead. "Hey Ivy, can we hang with you today?" I looked from one girl to the next and let them in with a "Good Morning".

"How was last night for you?" Red asks me.

"It sucked, no pun intended," both girls laughed a little, "I don't even know how much I made. What about you two?"

"I ran out of condoms and had to ask Kairi for some, " the brunette girl asked. Kairi rolled her eyes.

"That's because you never go out and buy them, Olette," she replied, "I can't keep supplying you." So that's who these girls are. I guess they live in the apartments around me. I put tea on and pour everyone a cup.

"It seems like you're the nicest girl on the block these days," Olette says after a moment, "Tifa is such a bitch now, I don't even know what happened."

"You're telling me," Kairi replied, "I hear her pimp is going to kick her on the streets if she doesn't clean her act up."

"Oh really?" I reply, drinking thoughtfully. Too bad I didn't actually share memories with Ivy. It would make this conversation much easier to follow.

"Well my pimp is at least partially decent. Akira isn't much of a bastard if he finds my room clean,"" Kairi said, seeming to ignore my comment. I half listened to the other bits of idle chatter and sighed in relief. I may actually have some friends here.


End file.
